2019 and beyond...

I started writing this on April 16TH 2019 Yesterday my divorce was final. I didn't expect to walk out of that court divorced, nobody expected it. Somehow we agreed, we both compromised, and walked out two single people instead of a married couple. 23 years and 23 days we were a married couple, and after a forty five minute meeting we were no longer Mr. & Mrs. The emotions I felt I can't explain, I was so overwhelmed. I thought I'd feel something more than I did. I thought I would cry to be honest. All I could do is smile as I called and texted those who I knew would want to hear the news before it hit social media. Today I feel drained, still relieved but drained. I really can't believe I'm divorced, me, divorced.....It's an overwhelming sense of freedom yet am scared as fuck to what my future will bring. My whole adult life I was tied to one person, I was married longer than I wasn't at this point in my life. So now what? Am I supposed to feel differe...

Who knew it was such a bitch? Why don't we get this talk from our grandmothers, moms or aunts? I needed the menopause talk way more than I need the period talk. Give me my period back, you can have this menopause shit. First let's talk about the hot flashes! Yes, I knew they were thing but holy fucking hell they are horrible. It's like your body is burning up from the inside out. They start off slow, you have warning that you are about to look like you ran a 5K. The heat slowly intensifies and then BAM you have sweat rolling down your back and you'd give anything to be able to strip your clothes off and stand in front a fan. There is no predicting when they will decide to attack, and usually they do so at the most inconvient moment. Like when you're checking out at the grocery store, or when someone needs to talk to you about something important. So you are stuck in the situation hoping nobody notices your face turning beet red, the sweat beeding up on your forehead...

I remember when I'd write about the every day, my kids were little, it was my after bedtime release. I'd sip on my tea or rum, depending on how the day went. That was fifteen years ago, I wish I would have never stopped. I wish I would have continued my first blog, even if I rebranded it as our family grew and changed. I wish I would have published more of my writings while I was going through hell. I tell myself to start again, back in 2019 I started this blog in hopes of telling my story. I quickly decided my side of the story was no longer important. What was important were my kids. So I focused on them, I've always focused on them, that was always my top priority. I will never regret being nothing but their mom for all those years. Even though there is no regret I do wish I had experience to do something more than what I'm doing. Something where I could grow and maybe even have to wear heels and a dress. Not that I don't love, leggings, five dollar t-shirts and ...

I love to write but I have no confidence. I have so many bullet points in my notes. My mind jumps all over the place. I have this dream of creating words for companies. Writing the descriptoins for landing pages, writing a paragraph describing a product or experience. Most of all I want to write for me again, I want to write words that may help others get through difficult times. Write words that might help someone get lost and forget for a minute. I feel like I need a change in my life once my current job no longer suits me. It's going to be soon because my paycheck just keeps getting smaller and smaller as these kids grow. I have a dream of sitting at a desk in my house and being paid to write. The desk is slightly messy, there are sticky notes with reminders and ideas placed around the monitor. Most likely a day old, half empty coffee cup on top of a self help book I'll never finish. I can see my routine like it's real. I see myself getting up with the sun, taking a walk...

Being an unmarried,low income adult sucks. I'm just going to say that I miss the security of marriage, I miss knowing someone had my back. I'm struggling while my ex moves forward, it's disheartening. He's buying a house, he got a promotion....I'm still driving the vehicle we bought together seventeen years ago. All I need is someone to co-sign for me, well, I don't have anyone willing to do that for me. I have the income but no proof, the nanny life is good but a struggle. And being reminded that if I stayed married I'd have a new vehicle stings deeper than it should. I dedicated 20 years to my husband and kids only to be left with nothing, no career, no experience, low credit score.... So yes, I'm a little bitter. Divorce is hard, I do not recommend it. Even after years I'm reminded of many reasons why I should have stayed married while knowing getting divorced was the right decisions.

My thoughts are always interesting when I wake up to pee and can't fall back to sleep. I lay there writing inside my head for hours hoping to just fall back to sleep. I promise myself I will remember and write the next day....obviosuly that doesn't happen. Except, except today. Here I am, open laptop, iced coffee, the hum of the baby's noise machine through the monitor. Last night I couldn't get over all the hate in the world, over what? Vaccines, masks and lockdowns...why? What happened to freedom and personal choices? Since when did we go around bragging about our medical history? I share a lot on social media, I'm not always nice about it. I only share in hopes some of my friends will research what I share. I never expect anyone to change their beliefs just off what I post, never. I do have hopes that it will make them curious enough, curious enough to research. I also started thinking about how many times in the last five months some stranger on the internet h...