Divorce still sucks....

I started writing this on April 16TH 2019 Yesterday my divorce was final. I didn't expect to walk out of that court divorced, nobody expected it. Somehow we agreed, we both compromised, and walked out two single people instead of a married couple. 23 years and 23 days we were a married couple, and after a forty five minute meeting we were no longer Mr. & Mrs. The emotions I felt I can't explain, I was so overwhelmed. I thought I'd feel something more than I did. I thought I would cry to be honest. All I could do is smile as I called and texted those who I knew would want to hear the news before it hit social media. Today I feel drained, still relieved but drained. I really can't believe I'm divorced, me, divorced.....It's an overwhelming sense of freedom yet am scared as fuck to what my future will bring. My whole adult life I was tied to one person, I was married longer than I wasn't at this point in my life. So now what? Am I supposed to feel different? Because I don't, I still feel like me. At one point today I thought, you're free from a monster. I quickly regretted having that thought because although he was a monster towards me, he's not a monster. He's really stepped up for the kids, he's gotten sober, and once again has goals and passion for life. I'm not sure when he lost that but I do remember when I started to feel alone in our marriage, it was 2013. It was 2014 when he started to treat me more like a child than a wife. It is now 2022 I cried reading the above, it's been a long three years, I'm still healing. I'm still struggling with my decision. Every time my kids have to leave my house I wonder if I made the right decision. My boys reassure me I did the right thing but fuck it's hard, so hard. He's getting remarried in 2 months and I'm no longer engaged. I guess it's kind of a blow to my pride, he wanted the divorce as much as I did. I keep thinking I miss being married but that's not it. I miss living with my kids. And yes, I know they are adults but they still with their dad. So that's it, that's what I still have to comes to terms with. Sometimes I find myself thinking about if I'd stayed, if I decided to work harder one more time. I'd have the house, the car, I'd see my kids every day, I would have security of the future. Then I remember he changed. The alcoholism rewired his brain, he is not the man I married. And I suppose I'm not the woman he married, I'm much stronger now. I've learned to speak up when I don't like something instead of just going along with it and being irritated. So after all this babbling it comes down to that I don't miss my ex-husband, I miss living with my kids. Even though we have all adjusted to this new life I'm not sure I'm completely happy with it. The future scares me...but this just means I have to rewrite my own happily ever after that doesn't include a ring or a piece of paper.