Growing Pains

I remember when I'd write about the every day, my kids were little, it was my after bedtime release. I'd sip on my tea or rum, depending on how the day went. That was fifteen years ago, I wish I would have never stopped. I wish I would have continued my first blog, even if I rebranded it as our family grew and changed. I wish I would have published more of my writings while I was going through hell. I tell myself to start again, back in 2019 I started this blog in hopes of telling my story. I quickly decided my side of the story was no longer important. What was important were my kids. So I focused on them, I've always focused on them, that was always my top priority. I will never regret being nothing but their mom for all those years. Even though there is no regret I do wish I had experience to do something more than what I'm doing. Something where I could grow and maybe even have to wear heels and a dress. Not that I don't love, leggings, five dollar t-shirts and flip flops, it'd just be nice for a change. I just don't know what that change is, it keeps me up at night. I spend hours looking at jobs online, all types of jobs, none of which I am qualified for so I get discouraged. My oldest son keeps telling me to apply for a city job, he even brings them up on his phone and reads the positions to me. My daughter tells me I have experience because I managed four kids and their crazy schedules for years. Let me note that they were never late for practice, games, dance class, school, recitals. My colored coated calander is what made it all possible. Everyone and I mean everyone says I should get back inti photography. I wish I could but I'm not a business person and I've sold all my good lenses. I would love to sale coasters and magnets and cards with my photos on them, now that is a dream. I recently started unraveling some childhood memories, people call it trauma. I am not ready to use that word. My childhood wasn't perfect but trauma is such a strong word. I wonder if I should write about that, or if I should write about being a nanny or being engaed with no future of marriage. Maybe write about raising two bonus kids, that is not easy and hats off to all of you doing it. But I've heard you need a niche if you're gonna have a blog. My niche is being all over the place, is that even a niche? Anyways, the whole point to this post is that I feel lost, worried and confused. But putting my thooughts out here, my fingers clicking the keyboard helps. Remembering why I spent half my life being a stay at home mom also helps... I will figure this out, through writing, self therapy and hopefully courage.