2019 and beyond...

I get asked this question often, usually by people that have only known me a short time. The answer is simple yet complicated. I stayed for my kids, it's that simple. But is it? I didn't seek divorce because I was afraid. I was afraid that I couldn't do it. I had been a stay at home mom for 18 years, 18 fucking years. That's a long time to put everyone in your life before you. It's a long time where you could have been doing something else, but those kids of mine, they were my number one. I have no regrets staying home and doing everything. Everything from carpool to dinner, to all the cleaning and laundry. Day in and day out I put my needs and wants on the back burner. I made sure everyone had lunches made, dinner every night, clean clothes to wear. It all landed on me and I loved it. I loved it so much I looked the other way, I made excuses. I didn't notice his drinking problem until me moved to Modesto but again, I made excuses for him. Then shortly after t

It's really hard for me to look back on parts of my life. It's hard to not blame myself and question my actions. The what ifs and the maybes still bounce around in my head every so often. I realize my healing from the abuse isn't going to happen overnight, I'm going to have to learn to love myself again and remove all the negative thoughts from my brain. I am thankful for the friends in my life, new and old. I know I got this but sometimes I feel like a failure, I feel like I've failed my kids, mostly. I do hope that they see this is for the best, it's not ideal, it's not how it was supposed to be, but it is. I am happier, stronger, and I'm feeling more confident as each day passes. I am learning to trust the journey I am on. I am learning to not give a fuck, to be who I am. I don't need to keep my feelings to myself for the sake of anyone. I am learning the truth is powerful and that I don't need to protect anyone. I'm going to let my truth