2019 and beyond...

Who knew it was such a bitch? Why don't we get this talk from our grandmothers, moms or aunts? I needed the menopause talk way more than I need the period talk. Give me my period back, you can have this menopause shit. First let's talk about the hot flashes! Yes, I knew they were thing but holy fucking hell they are horrible. It's like your body is burning up from the inside out. They start off slow, you have warning that you are about to look like you ran a 5K. The heat slowly intensifies and then BAM you have sweat rolling down your back and you'd give anything to be able to strip your clothes off and stand in front a fan. There is no predicting when they will decide to attack, and usually they do so at the most inconvient moment. Like when you're checking out at the grocery store, or when someone needs to talk to you about something important. So you are stuck in the situation hoping nobody notices your face turning beet red, the sweat beeding up on your forehead...

I remember when I'd write about the every day, my kids were little, it was my after bedtime release. I'd sip on my tea or rum, depending on how the day went. That was fifteen years ago, I wish I would have never stopped. I wish I would have continued my first blog, even if I rebranded it as our family grew and changed. I wish I would have published more of my writings while I was going through hell. I tell myself to start again, back in 2019 I started this blog in hopes of telling my story. I quickly decided my side of the story was no longer important. What was important were my kids. So I focused on them, I've always focused on them, that was always my top priority. I will never regret being nothing but their mom for all those years. Even though there is no regret I do wish I had experience to do something more than what I'm doing. Something where I could grow and maybe even have to wear heels and a dress. Not that I don't love, leggings, five dollar t-shirts and ...

I love to write but I have no confidence. I have so many bullet points in my notes. My mind jumps all over the place. I have this dream of creating words for companies. Writing the descriptoins for landing pages, writing a paragraph describing a product or experience. Most of all I want to write for me again, I want to write words that may help others get through difficult times. Write words that might help someone get lost and forget for a minute. I feel like I need a change in my life once my current job no longer suits me. It's going to be soon because my paycheck just keeps getting smaller and smaller as these kids grow. I have a dream of sitting at a desk in my house and being paid to write. The desk is slightly messy, there are sticky notes with reminders and ideas placed around the monitor. Most likely a day old, half empty coffee cup on top of a self help book I'll never finish. I can see my routine like it's real. I see myself getting up with the sun, taking a walk...

Being an unmarried,low income adult sucks. I'm just going to say that I miss the security of marriage, I miss knowing someone had my back. I'm struggling while my ex moves forward, it's disheartening. He's buying a house, he got a promotion....I'm still driving the vehicle we bought together seventeen years ago. All I need is someone to co-sign for me, well, I don't have anyone willing to do that for me. I have the income but no proof, the nanny life is good but a struggle. And being reminded that if I stayed married I'd have a new vehicle stings deeper than it should. I dedicated 20 years to my husband and kids only to be left with nothing, no career, no experience, low credit score.... So yes, I'm a little bitter. Divorce is hard, I do not recommend it. Even after years I'm reminded of many reasons why I should have stayed married while knowing getting divorced was the right decisions.

My thoughts are always interesting when I wake up to pee and can't fall back to sleep. I lay there writing inside my head for hours hoping to just fall back to sleep. I promise myself I will remember and write the next day....obviosuly that doesn't happen. Except, except today. Here I am, open laptop, iced coffee, the hum of the baby's noise machine through the monitor. Last night I couldn't get over all the hate in the world, over what? Vaccines, masks and lockdowns...why? What happened to freedom and personal choices? Since when did we go around bragging about our medical history? I share a lot on social media, I'm not always nice about it. I only share in hopes some of my friends will research what I share. I never expect anyone to change their beliefs just off what I post, never. I do have hopes that it will make them curious enough, curious enough to research. I also started thinking about how many times in the last five months some stranger on the internet h...

My writing has come up a few times in the past several weeks. I miss it, so here I go. I'm setting a goal to write once a week. Even if it's about nothing other than the mundane work week. . .. ... It's the first day of 2020 and I'd be lying if I said it was off to a positive start. I mean I didn't have sex yet, so that sucks. I didn't wake up hung over however, so there's that. It's the first year I haven't been married since 1995, how crazy is that? I want this year to be better than I could imagine so I have my work cut out for me. I've applied for some other jobs, and I'm freaking out over it. Like really freaking out. I have such an attachment to the family I work for now but I need more hours/money. I have always done what is best for other people, this year I want to change that and do what is best for me. At least some of the time, baby steps. I'm struggling with the job aspect of my life, I feel like a failure. Everyone tells ...