2019 and beyond...

My thoughts are always interesting when I wake up to pee and can't fall back to sleep. I lay there writing inside my head for hours hoping to just fall back to sleep. I promise myself I will remember and write the next day....obviosuly that doesn't happen. Except, except today. Here I am, open laptop, iced coffee, the hum of the baby's noise machine through the monitor. Last night I couldn't get over all the hate in the world, over what? Vaccines, masks and lockdowns...why? What happened to freedom and personal choices? Since when did we go around bragging about our medical history? I share a lot on social media, I'm not always nice about it. I only share in hopes some of my friends will research what I share. I never expect anyone to change their beliefs just off what I post, never. I do have hopes that it will make them curious enough, curious enough to research. I also started thinking about how many times in the last five months some stranger on the internet h...

My writing has come up a few times in the past several weeks. I miss it, so here I go. I'm setting a goal to write once a week. Even if it's about nothing other than the mundane work week. . .. ... It's the first day of 2020 and I'd be lying if I said it was off to a positive start. I mean I didn't have sex yet, so that sucks. I didn't wake up hung over however, so there's that. It's the first year I haven't been married since 1995, how crazy is that? I want this year to be better than I could imagine so I have my work cut out for me. I've applied for some other jobs, and I'm freaking out over it. Like really freaking out. I have such an attachment to the family I work for now but I need more hours/money. I have always done what is best for other people, this year I want to change that and do what is best for me. At least some of the time, baby steps. I'm struggling with the job aspect of my life, I feel like a failure. Everyone tells ...

If there's one thing you can't have enough of, it is photos with your kids. I know I am so thankful for all the photos I have with my kids. So Bill and I took his kids shooting and I decided to grab my camera, to document this day. It may have been an ordinary Sunday but those are the best days. It felt good to use my camera again, I really need to bring it along more often.

I get asked this question often, usually by people that have only known me a short time. The answer is simple yet complicated. I stayed for my kids, it's that simple. But is it? I didn't seek divorce because I was afraid. I was afraid that I couldn't do it. I had been a stay at home mom for 18 years, 18 fucking years. That's a long time to put everyone in your life before you. It's a long time where you could have been doing something else, but those kids of mine, they were my number one. I have no regrets staying home and doing everything. Everything from carpool to dinner, to all the cleaning and laundry. Day in and day out I put my needs and wants on the back burner. I made sure everyone had lunches made, dinner every night, clean clothes to wear. It all landed on me and I loved it. I loved it so much I looked the other way, I made excuses. I didn't notice his drinking problem until me moved to Modesto but again, I made excuses for him. Then shortly after t...

It's really hard for me to look back on parts of my life. It's hard to not blame myself and question my actions. The what ifs and the maybes still bounce around in my head every so often. I realize my healing from the abuse isn't going to happen overnight, I'm going to have to learn to love myself again and remove all the negative thoughts from my brain. I am thankful for the friends in my life, new and old. I know I got this but sometimes I feel like a failure, I feel like I've failed my kids, mostly. I do hope that they see this is for the best, it's not ideal, it's not how it was supposed to be, but it is. I am happier, stronger, and I'm feeling more confident as each day passes. I am learning to trust the journey I am on. I am learning to not give a fuck, to be who I am. I don't need to keep my feelings to myself for the sake of anyone. I am learning the truth is powerful and that I don't need to protect anyone. I'm going to let my truth...

These two ladies have had my back for over a decade. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for me and my family. We don't see each other as often as we used to, or as often as we should. I am determined to change that though. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and how I avoided people way too often. So here's to an amazing 2019 and beyond.

I've been wanting to document this journey since it started but I wasn't sure how to do it. I didn't, still don't, want to come off as woe is me. So here goes nothing, on the first day of 2019.... This divorce is a long time coming. I look back on all the times I was told to leave, all the times I was called a whore, all the times my privacy was disrespected. It's been years since I've known what looked like a pretty darn good marriage from the outside was nothing but a toxic relationship. I stayed because of the kids, I stayed because in my heart I wanted the marriage to last. I remember wishing, praying he wouldn't wake up and have a drink, only to hide it from me. He thinks I didn't know but I knew, I knew every time he would sneak drinks. I would lay in bed, pretending to be asleep, listening to him fix a drink in the kitchen at six in the morning. Soon he didn't even hide it come 10 am, he'd just shrug off my comments. Looking back, I shoul...