Here I go again....

I've been wanting to document this journey since it started but I wasn't sure how to do it. I didn't, still don't, want to come off as woe is me. So here goes nothing, on the first day of 2019.... This divorce is a long time coming. I look back on all the times I was told to leave, all the times I was called a whore, all the times my privacy was disrespected. It's been years since I've known what looked like a pretty darn good marriage from the outside was nothing but a toxic relationship. I stayed because of the kids, I stayed because in my heart I wanted the marriage to last. I remember wishing, praying he wouldn't wake up and have a drink, only to hide it from me. He thinks I didn't know but I knew, I knew every time he would sneak drinks. I would lay in bed, pretending to be asleep, listening to him fix a drink in the kitchen at six in the morning. Soon he didn't even hide it come 10 am, he'd just shrug off my comments. Looking back, I should have called his mom then, but I still had hope that once he found a job it would all be okay. Little did I know that the reason he got fired was because he was caught drinking at work. I remember the first detox I helped him through. I remember hiding it from the kids, telling them he had the flu. I helped him in way I could, made him tea, rubbed his back, did everything I could to try to help him be as comfortable as he could be. I had such high hopes after that detox. I thought we had won, I thought he could go back to weekend drinking, thought he would become more motivated to provide for his family again. I was wrong, oh so wrong. He slowly started drinking more and more, to the point of sneaking Mike's hard lemonade into his gas station soda cups before work. He started coming home from work drunk, pass out by 6pm drunk. It was after he threw a cutting board at me in front of the kids that I demanded we move out of Montana or we divorce. I never would have divorced him while living in Montana knowing the custody battle that would ensue. It was then that I knew, without a doubt, that my marriage was never going to be the same, it was that day that I knew he didn't love me like he once did; and the same could be said about my love for him. Not that I blame myself but I feel like I could have been more adamant about a lot of things. Maybe then our relationship wouldn't have become as toxic as it was in the end. It's amazing that we were so good together for so long, only to lose it all because of alcohol and jealously. The jealousy had always been there, I didn't always see it but looking back I am blown away with how I just rolled with it. I let him control so much of my life. I just thought that was part of being married, how wrong was I? THIS is where I stop and say if you are in a relationship and your partner demands you to leave a party before you're ready, goes through your phone, shows up at girls' night demanding you come home, get out of that relationship.... Get out before they start calling you names, locking you out of your own house, shutting your phone off....Listen to those red flags. I wish I would have.

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