2019 and beyond...

I get asked this question often, usually by people that have only known me a short time. The answer is simple yet complicated. I stayed for my kids, it's that simple. But is it? I didn't seek divorce because I was afraid. I was afraid that I couldn't do it. I had been a stay at home mom for 18 years, 18 fucking years. That's a long time to put everyone in your life before you. It's a long time where you could have been doing something else, but those kids of mine, they were my number one. I have no regrets staying home and doing everything. Everything from carpool to dinner, to all the cleaning and laundry. Day in and day out I put my needs and wants on the back burner. I made sure everyone had lunches made, dinner every night, clean clothes to wear. It all landed on me and I loved it. I loved it so much I looked the other way, I made excuses. I didn't notice his drinking problem until me moved to Modesto but again, I made excuses for him. Then shortly after t...

It's really hard for me to look back on parts of my life. It's hard to not blame myself and question my actions. The what ifs and the maybes still bounce around in my head every so often. I realize my healing from the abuse isn't going to happen overnight, I'm going to have to learn to love myself again and remove all the negative thoughts from my brain. I am thankful for the friends in my life, new and old. I know I got this but sometimes I feel like a failure, I feel like I've failed my kids, mostly. I do hope that they see this is for the best, it's not ideal, it's not how it was supposed to be, but it is. I am happier, stronger, and I'm feeling more confident as each day passes. I am learning to trust the journey I am on. I am learning to not give a fuck, to be who I am. I don't need to keep my feelings to myself for the sake of anyone. I am learning the truth is powerful and that I don't need to protect anyone. I'm going to let my truth...

These two ladies have had my back for over a decade. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for me and my family. We don't see each other as often as we used to, or as often as we should. I am determined to change that though. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and how I avoided people way too often. So here's to an amazing 2019 and beyond.

I've been wanting to document this journey since it started but I wasn't sure how to do it. I didn't, still don't, want to come off as woe is me. So here goes nothing, on the first day of 2019.... This divorce is a long time coming. I look back on all the times I was told to leave, all the times I was called a whore, all the times my privacy was disrespected. It's been years since I've known what looked like a pretty darn good marriage from the outside was nothing but a toxic relationship. I stayed because of the kids, I stayed because in my heart I wanted the marriage to last. I remember wishing, praying he wouldn't wake up and have a drink, only to hide it from me. He thinks I didn't know but I knew, I knew every time he would sneak drinks. I would lay in bed, pretending to be asleep, listening to him fix a drink in the kitchen at six in the morning. Soon he didn't even hide it come 10 am, he'd just shrug off my comments. Looking back, I shoul...